Lets talk about this website here http://www.whitehouse.gov/turkey. That’s right, there is a competition on the White House website to see which of two turkeys, Caramel and Popcorn, both male and born the same day (are they brothers?), will receive the traditional Thanksgiving presidential pardon, one of the most hallowed presidential traditions. But this year its up to America to decide! Yay democracy! Yay national celebrations of the genocide of the Native Americans by gorging ourselves and letting one turkey live! On Thanksgiving, most (white) Americans all reflect on how thankful we are that we are neither Native Americans or turkeys.
But back to this turkey pardon competition. I had to read through this website several times after the initial vertigo and shock I went through before I realized that apparently both turkey’s will live, but only one will get the official Presidential pardon. But still this is seriously insane. Like this is an absolute mindfuck right now! Like what is happening?! I can’t even…
And just imagine how I was when I first saw this website not that long ago I thought this was a competition to see which turkey would get the pardon and thus survive. “THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WILL DECIDE WHICH TURKEY LIVEs AND WHICH DIES.” And then I realized that you can listen to recordings of these turkeys. “THERE ARE RECORDINGS OF TURKEYS ON THE WHITE HOUSE WEBSITE! THERE ARE RECORDINGS OF TURKEYS WHO ARE COMPETING FOR THE AFFECTION OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE IN ORDER IN SURVIVE ON THE WHITE HOUSE’S WEBSITE!” Like what would you think they’re saying in turkey with those gobbles, like, “we who are about to die salute you.” WTF.
Still, this shit is insane. Like why is our government making up favorite songs for turkeys? Why is our government have people tasked with describing the walks of turkeys, “Steady and Deliberate,” WTF! Heck, why is the president even pardoning turkeys as a thing that exists! Also apparently the pardoned turkeys not just get to live but it also spends THE REST OF ITS LIFE AT DISNEY WORLD and gets crowned on a float in a fucking parade. So instead its a competition to get a free ride to Disney World and a crown and a parade, not a crowd sourced battle to the death. MURICA!! Celebrate genocide by sending a bird to Disney World!
But even the concept of pardoning a turkey is insane. Like this is how barbaric we’ve become as a country, where we treat pardoning and the death penalty as just fucking games to be added to a normal holiday about indigenous genocide. Never mind the fact that Obama waited 682 days of his term to use his presidential power of pardon on inmates, to date he has only pardoned 39 so far. Thats right, Obama pardoned his first Thanksgiving turkey (who was apparently named Courage) before he pardoned his first human being. So forget about addressing mass-incarceration and the new jim crow, cause we can now tweet our turkeys to freedom!
Like these are the signs of a civilization in decay (I know I’m saying “like” a lot, but that’s how fucking agitated I am). A total degeneration of a society. This is the moment people, this is our Nero moment. The utter collapse of the American political experiment wasn’t precipitated by the NSA scandal, or the Republican government shutdown, it was the moment there was a fucking website competition to decide which turkey we will crown!